I want to say that I’m sorry that he hurt you. I’m sorry if he didn’t choose you. I’m sorry he didn’t fight for you like you deserve. I now join your rankings. Whether that be a moment of celebration or a moment met with open arms, I didn’t get his love either.
I won’t lie, I hated a lot of you. He could never let you all go and there were reminders of each pretty face throughout our entire relationship. He kept you all on a string, close enough in reach but far enough to let you know that he was “sorry and valued your friendship but didn’t want to be with you.”
You were all beautiful and intimidating to me because he made you feel special too and I know you felt his magic. While our Instagram photos painted a different picture, one that wasn’t marred with insecurities, reassurance of a partnership (that wasn’t really a partnership), and a knowledge that I was second best.
I’m sorry if those pictures hurt you and I’m sorry if I relished in that hurt because I had finally been “chosen.” I thought I deserved him when I waited it out while he slept with other people; I put in the time, effort and tears, and I damn well was going to let the world know he was mine. I made you all to be my enemies because I had to know that he chose me and I had to be the best. I had to make him see why it didn’t work with all of you.
In the end, it didn’t matter. I tried until I was blue in the face. I loved him with every fiber of my being, I admitted when I was wrong, I made allowances for behavior that I typically wouldn’t tolerate and I became lesser for someone who couldn’t see my worth or yours.
A part of me will always love him and believe in him because I wanted the fairy tale with him. Like you all did. But let me remind you, fairytales aren’t real life. While we all can slay our own dragons, we still want to be with someone who we know would defend us to the end, without hesitation. Fairy tales aren’t filled with action, they are filled with words. And we all deserve so much more than words.
