Dear Love: You Are The Worst, And Yet, I Thank You For Everything



Dearlove


By Ann Nguyen



Dear Love, 

You are seriously the worst. And yet, I thank you for everything.

You are the way that my eyes have stared into her’s, seeking more than the way the colors change. Dark brown looking into hazel green, seeing an indescribable beauty in her soul. Seeing the heartache, the pain, and the darkness and yet feeling no fear in my heart. 

You are the way that my fingers trace her skin and shape, burning to write new endings for the stories that each one of the scars on her body has told and held secret.  

You are the pair of new shoes to replace all the miles her tattered soles had journeyed through and a watch to remind her that time will move her from the hellish past of her youth. 

You are that moment I was locked in a freezer at the florist looking for her favorite flowers.  

You are the arm that would go numb when I’m holding her hand or leaning in for her head to have a resting place as I drive. 

You are the hours of research to cure the pain in her bones, the fire in her flesh, and the demons in her mind.  

You are the way I dove head first into a world I have never known, stubbornly never accepting that she was condemned. 

You are the sleepless nights where I held her in my arms as she shook from the nightmares and night terrors.  

You are the every breath I took in of hers that smelled like cocaine and cigarettes. 

You are my attendance at Sunday’s service and the hunger to learn the words of her God so that I could find her the salvation she had given up on. 

You are my reason to see the saint, while forgiving the sinner. 

You are my devotion to make up for the suffering she experienced. 

You are the commitment to supporting all her dreams. 

You are the unwavering conviction that I have to dedicate the entirety of me and my life to her. 

You are the every motivation behind every gesture, big or little, to show her that you don’t hurt, that you don’t forsake, that you are real, and that she is deserving of you. 

For you stay as you are even when the writing bled on the walls, when the world told me to walk away, when the truth was too sinister to handle, and when she herself could not show me you back. 

For you stay with me when she breaks my heart. 

For you stay true when the lies unravel. 

For you don’t go away even when she does.

You have made me realized why you are the greatest muse for poets, philosophers, and writers. Why some dedicate their entire lives to you. 

You are the invisible force that tames the wilderness in all our hearts. You are massively powerful, and yet kindly gentle.

I have looked into your eyes for the strength I need to carry through when my world falls apart. 

You deliver me from myself, from my selfishness and mistakes.  

You demand that I love with patience and forgiveness, even to the ones that hurt me.  

You’ve given me a lifetime that is without regrets, for when I invoke you, I can do no wrong.

Because of you, I see this world without any limits - everything is possible. 

Because of you, I have felt ten feet tall in a world that sometimes seem bleak, cold, calloused, and hurtful.  

Even when the pain in my heart is unbearable, I will know I was lucky enough to truly love somebody. And that is quite the gift to have in this lifetime.

writer photo

Ann Nguyen

A Mender. Born and raised in Southern California and queer. As I'm piecing my life back together, I still believe in love. I still am grateful and thankful for the beauty that exists within relationships.