I didn’t tell anyone I had been sexually abused as a seven year old, until I was 23. And I didn’t start grieving, feeling and letting go of the abuse until I was 33.
I knew my lack of relationships was probably related to the abuse. The fact that at 33 I had never been on more than a second date, or kissed a man sober, was undeniable. I knew I needed to heal those painful experiences, I just didn’t know how to. For years I was ashamed of my lack of boyfriends; the lack of attention from men, and how deeply immature I felt about sex and men.
In my process of healing at 33, I began maturing very consciously, such that I could clearly see the energetic patterns holding me into my deep fear of love, and the simple choices I needed to make to heal.
More than just reversing the effects of my abuse, deeply healing this kind of abuse has given me profound insight into the process of healing, and of creating relationships.
The kind of relationships that women create once they start healing this kind of abuse, is awe-inspiring.
The clients, colleagues and friends of mine that have had to face these kinds of deep fears and issues, have created some of the most deeply intimate and successful relationships.
I attribute the co-creation of my marriage in so many ways, to healing process I both experienced and learnt during my masters of spiritual psychology.
And I attribute the deep intimacy I experience in my marriage, to the depth of this healing.
I can’t explain how I see and facilitate this healing process in an email, however I can offer you a few keys that have served me.
Key 1. I am responsible for how I relate to my past
That is a hard pill to swallow. I’m not going to lie. But at some point we have to admit that we are no longer being abused. The abuse has stopped. And we MUST stop relating to ourselves as abused.
Key 2. I must take responsibility for what I want in the future
My healing was found in taking responsibility for the experience I wanted now, and in the future.
I wanted an intimate relationship with a husband that adored and supported me.
I wanted to love, support and adore myself.
And so the path that has worked for me is what I am now calling the technology of forgiveness. Which starts with forgiving your abuser – but is is profoundly more about forgiving yourself.
Key 3. If I want to heal, I need to forgive
I forgive myself for buying into the misbelief that it was my fault.
I forgive myself for buying into the misbelief that I am dirty, wrong, tainted, broken, or damaged.
I forgive myself for judging myself as unlovable, unprecious, unworthy.
Key 4. Healing starts with feeling your feelings
Your emotions are your energy-in-motion. They are simply your unconscious energetic patterns begging to be heard and released. Welcome them. Embrace them. Love them.
When that small hurt child within comes up searching and needing your love – give yourself the time, the love and the deep compassion you deserve.
We must be the love and the caring that we are crying out for. In my experience that is why we as humans are given challenges like this. To find the love beyond that that we are given. To find the love within.
It is easier said than done.
But it is possible. And the rewards are so rich. I am profoundly grateful for my journey because of what I have found within, and within my marriage, as a result.
Key 5. Reach out to another
In my experience, my healing started when I began talking about this to another.
And it is my professional opinion that healing is simply just much more possible with the support of another.
Get a qualified friend. A mentor. A therapist. A coach.
If you relate to this…I want you to know that there is an intimate, connected, loving life waiting for you. You would not be reading this unless you were ready to begin to heal.
Whatever form your healing journey takes, I send you my light and my support.