Haleina Marie is a California-based YouTube lifestyle guru. Through vlogging and Instagram she shares her favorite DIY hacks, product reviews, beauty routines and more. In our interview with Heleina, she shared how heartbreak helped her realize that true happiness cannot be found in someone else.
If you think back to the first time you were heartbroken, what advice would you give to that younger version of yourself?
"The advice that I would give to my younger self about heartbreak is that the pain is only temporary. During the first few months of both heartbreaks, it felt like someone who meant the world to me passed away. If you think about it, you pretty much are trying to adjust to a life without that person.
Even though everyone was telling me that things will get better, I didn't believe it because things weren't at the time. But I soon learned that time plays a huge role in the healing process. You have to allow yourself that time to grieve and let out the tears. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to cry and want to hide. But you will soon get better and you have to remember that everything happens for a reason. You might not know the exact reason, but one day you will and you will be glad that it happened."
What has heartbreak taught you about yourself?
"Heartbreak taught me that you CAN'T put all your eggs in one basket. When it comes to relationships, I put my heart out there and I fall hard. I always believed that love is a beautiful thing and I've always wanted to know what it was like being in it.
Lastly, the most important thing that it taught me about myself is that I don't need anyone to be happy. I don't need to make anyone the source of my happiness because honestly, happiness should come from within yourself. Once you can find that happiness without depending on someone else, you will be so much happier. After my heartbreaks, I went back to doing the things I once enjoyed and I can't tell you how much happier I am now that I found pure happiness through hobbies."
What are your rituals during a breakup? What things/practices/people helped you mend?
"Music has definitely helped me through a lot. During my first breakup, I made this playlist that included powerful and uplifting music that helped me through a lot, especially during my second breakup. Some of the songs that are in my You-Deserve-Better playlist are "You Changed" by Kelly Rowland, "The Worst" by Jhene Aiko which one of my friends recommended me, and "Better in Time" by Leona Lewis.
There are so many songs out there that are written about heartbreak because everyone goes through it a few times in their life, and that's another thing, you aren't the only one who's felt this way before. Family and friends also helped a lot during my heartbreaks because not only did I have shoulders to cry on but also people I can make new memories with."
Thinking back to breakups you’ve had, did you have any breakup vices (checking your ex’s Insta, etc) and how do you conquer them?
"During my first breakup, I didn't know what to expect. So many things were thrown at me from mutual friends like "he found someone else", "he's happy without you", etc. Hearing those things were the absolute worst which made me want to check his social media, and let me tell you this, checking up on your ex will only delay the healing process.
It took me awhile to be able to stop myself from typing in his @ handle on Twitter. Going into my second breakup, I knew what to expect and avoided checking up on him. In fact, I prefer NOT to hear about him. Luckily, he doesn't have much social media so there wasn't anything to check up on in the first place. But even if he did have social media, I wouldn't have checked up on him either. Something that I've learned about myself is that when I'm done, I'm done, and my mind automatically builds this strong wall."
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned about love so far in your life?
"The biggest lesson that I've learned about love so far is that love shouldn't hurt. In both relationships, I denied that feeling because I thought it was normal. I thought it was normal to be upset and feel like crying at night because things didn't go the way they were supposed to. But after analyzing everything after the breakups, a relationship is supposed to add to the great things in life, not do the opposite.
I would always deny my feelings when I felt like something was wrong and would never bring it up because I've always been afraid of arguments. I'm that person who ignores my OWN feelings to make someone happy. But I realized that in relationships, doubts are normal to feel, but if someone is constantly making you upset, you need to speak up and not deny your feelings. If something feels wrong, talk to someone about. Communication is key in anything."
Do you think exes can be friends? Do you stay friends with your exes on social media?
"Honestly, it really depends on the people and the reason why they broke up. I was never able to be friends with the people who I've had long-term relationships with because number one, it hurts to have to limit yourself; how you hug the person, what you call them, how often you see them, how close you are to them. If they were the one who chose to leave and you still love them, then it's impossible to be friends because not only do they get the benefit of having your companionship, but also they can keep you in their life without having the responsibility of the relationship. In a way, it's like they're using you, and that's not fair to you.
You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you do with them. Relationships should always be 50/50. If one's always giving and the other is always taking, it's not going to work. On the other hand, if the breakup is mutual, then both people are able to be friends. I personally only have one ex that I'm able to be friends with because we both felt that the relationship wasn't for us and we are still great friends today."
What keeps your heart open, despite the heartbreaks you’ve had in your life?
"What keeps my heart open after the most devastating heartbreaks is hope. Hope that there is going to be someone better who will treat me how I deserve to be treated. Not a lot of people believe in hope because the future is always going to be unknown. And that's understandable. Let me tell you what happened after my first breakup; I was so hurt that I didn't think I'd feel the same way for a person again but I had this gut feeling that kept telling me "Wait for the summer, wait for the summer, someone new is going to be there", and guess what, the summer came and it happened. The next person that I was supposed to date walked into my life and it was amazing while it lasted.
You have to remember that there is always, and I mean always, going to be someone out there who's going to treat you better and make you happier. It is said that after every heartbreak, you upgrade and find someone better than the one before. And that's exactly what happened to me. My second relationship brought more happiness than my first."
What is your favorite song about heartbreak?
"Some of my favorite songs about heartbreak are definitely oldies but goodies: "Since U Been Gone" and "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. When it comes to heartbreak, I can relate to the lyrics so much and it makes me feel better that I'm not alone."
What projects are you currently working on, and looking forward to most?
"Some of the projects that I'm working on and that I'm looking forward to are working on my own jewelry and merch for my subscribers on YouTube, my career in marketing with blogging and working with companies.
It is said that projects in general can be the cure to a heartbreak and I totally agree. Instead of having to constantly distract yourself from your thoughts, you are working on something that means something to you. Whether it's doing community service, taking internships for your career path, designing your own merch or painting a portrait, you are doing something that makes you happy.
Always remember that your happiness is important and you should never let anyone take it away from you. Everything will be okay in the end and one day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it didn't work with anyone else. Also have hope that it will get better. Trust me, 3 months into my second breakup and I'm already feeling fresh and confident to start something new and make new memories with the people who mean the most to me."