I Chose to Keep Moving


By Quinn

It's over. I didn't want it to happen. My greatest fear has come true. I'm still alive, and yet I feel dead inside. Everything has changed. Food doesn't taste the same. My stomach is in constant knots. Colors aren't so vibrant. Everything looks gloomy and grey. My broken heart has taken over all of my basic human functions. Sleep is needed but so foreign. My legs move where I have to go but I'm the walking wounded. A zombie.

The love of my life and I bought our ticket to our future. The train of life and love had a very planned and specific destination. The train had some stops. But we worked through the trouble. There was always a light at the end of the tunnel. But not this time. Once the train came to a complete stop she decided that this is where she was going to get off. I didn't understand why she chose this specific stop and station. The place looked scary. It was a threat to what we had. She was going to a place I could not follow.

My agonizing pleas of despair fell on deaf ears. She had this planned all along. She was waiting for the perfect stop. It came. And she escaped. I stayed on the train. Alone. Not knowing where it was going to take me. The destination had completely changed. The light at the end of the tunnel was a black empty space.

I had to make a decision for myself. Stick around the station and hope she buys another ticket to our plan. Wait around with little glimmers of hope. Or stay on the slow moving train to the unknown. Alone. If I stayed on this ride, I would have to say goodbye and lose all contact with the person I loved and adored for so long. The person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I chose to keep moving. The unknown was frighting. Hanging around the station would only make it worse. It was time for me to recover. But this time she couldn't help me. She couldn't pick me up when I was down. She wouldn't be there to hold me. The life support had been ripped out of my chest. I had to fight. I was in survival mode. I had to grow and make my own mistakes. Learn my lessons the hard way. Do things out of my comfort zone.

It hasn't been easy. I'd say going no contact is more painful and lonely than the break up itself. The break up is final. You have your answer. Going no contact has no immediate resolution. Your answers will come like little drops of water. Your glass won't be full and ready to drink for quite a while. It's like waiting for your hair to grow out. You'll be in the awkward in between phase for a very long time.

If you're willing to embrace the unknown. The pain. The loneliness. The struggle and mistakes. I promise you will see that light at the end of the tunnel. Life is beautiful. There is so much love in the world. It's been almost a year since I've spoken to my former mate. I'll be the first to admit I still think about her. Everyday. I wonder how she's doing. What new things she's experienced in her life. 

But my anger, hate and hurt have turned into compassion. I want her to be happy. She wasn't happy with me. I can now accept it. This would not have been possible with contact. I needed to reflect on my own and think about things in retrospect.

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I'm a codependent, a hopeless romantic, insecure, have low self esteem, am egotistical, controlling and have a mean jealous streak. As you can read, I was quite a catch. I only listen to my heart. I believed being in love and having someone in love with me would be the answer to everything. A "Love conquers all" belief. I just got out of an eleven year relationship that I did not want to end. I am learning how to be a alone and live with myself. Join me in my self discovery of mistakes, relapses, rebuilding and clarity.