I just turned 31 and I have found myself surprisingly, shockingly single. My sweet boyfriend, who always said he loved me, held my hand and stroked my hair, just told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. 2 years in ten minutes...That is the reality of my life.
I was racing down the stairs yesterday to catch the F train at West 4th St and I saw a train pull out of the station, but couldn't see which train it was...That's the way I feel about my now failed two year relationship. Was my boyfriend (ex boyfriend) my train? If so, I wish I would have known so I could have run a little faster to catch it.
My ex boyfriend was so good. It was like I couldn't understand where he came from and why he chose me. He was (it's easier for me to pretend he's dead - so I will be referring to him in past tense) tall, handsome, kind, affectionate, sweet. It wasn't like he was perfect, but I thought he was perfect for me. He was fun and laughed at all my jokes. We both had abnormally sweaty hands. One time when we were at a party, one of my oldest girlfriends said "oh you met your match" and that's what I thought. I thought finally I had met my match.
There was a duality to my thinking. On one hand I felt smug. I hate to admit it, but I always felt a little bit smug. When my single girlfriends would complain or cry about another asshole I would feel bad but think: my boyfriend would never do that. On Sundays while my single girlfriends were watching Netflix or doing laundry I would happily walk out the door and do some fun activity with my boyfriend. I would think thank god that's not me....Well, get me a container of Tide Extra White because here I am.
But the scariest thing is deep down I knew it was too good to be true. I was too happy. Too in love. I didn't deserve it. And I was right because one day it just ended and I didn't see it coming. The sad thing is we can't go backwards. I wish I would have one more day with him. Just a normal day before I knew or he knew what he really felt in his heart which is that we were not meant to be together.
He made me better and in the past two years I have grown leaps and bounds. I can't give him all the credit. I think I just grew up. I became the woman that was always hiding in the girl that I was.
I realized that he was my anchor, but that I was his crutch.
I don't know how to think or feel. But I know I will be ok. Maybe you are not supposed to be with this bright shining love, but a smaller love that wants to grow old with you and hold your hand .
This is not where I want to be or thought I would be, but here I am.