The Pain And Joy Of Letting Go


By Anna Bashedly

You were my love. Letting you go is the hardest thing I ever had to do.

You were my best friend, lover, soulmate, my everything. You lifted me up, reminded me of who I was when I was lost, reminded me of my strength and greatness. You believed in me. I told you things that I’ve never shared with another person and you just listened, understood, absorbed it all and actually wanted to hear more. You changed me, you broke down my walls, I was alive with you.

But you were also the person who caused me the most pain in this world.

Loving you is the scariest thing I have ever done because I loved all of you. When I fell in love with you I took on everything - the good, the bad, your light and your darkness.

Not too long into our magic, things started to turn. When your light shined on me, it was everything. But when it was shining somewhere else, it was so cold. I never left you in the storm, I was way too good to you - but when I needed you, you weren't there.

I know you regret everything. You always do. I know there will come a day when you will realize you messed up and that life is miserable without me. But my love, I never had to be away from you to realize that. I never had to break your heart to realize the value of it. I never had to explore other ‘options’ to realize your worth, to realize that you are one of a kind and what we have comes once in a lifetime. But you did...

Letting you go, is the worst and best thing I ever had to do. I know that you will come back - you always do. But after everything, no matter how much I’ll still love you, this time, I won’t take you back. My scars won't let me. Because I know now that no matter how much you care about me, you will always care about yourself more. I know that being in your arms, touching your skin, absorbing your laugh, will make me feel complete, so alive again. But I also know that you will always cast quite a shadow - and it will break my heart all over again.

Thank you, thank you for making me realize how deep my love is. How I can love a person with every fiber of my being. Loving all of you with all of me has changed me, made me a better person, I was alive with you, and I wouldn’t take that back for anything.

You breaking my heart, almost breaking me, made me that much stronger. You leaving me made me realize how much I deserve someone who never leaves, never pushes me away. No matter how hard things get, no matter how much doubt there is, no matter how much their past, demons, complexity or other people are trying to get in the way. Someone who never leaves me in a storm because it’s 'too much' for them. I need someone who will dance in the rain with me.

By letting you go, I can finally be free to find that.

You are part of my soul. I will always love you, but for the first time in my life, I need to love myself more.

writer photo

Anna Bashedly

Anna is a writer who was born in Russia and raised in Chicago, Germany, and Switzerland. Aside from writing and producing, you can find Anna sleeping, eating, fighting MMA in Queens, or twerking.

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