There Is Nothing Fundamentally Wrong with Me


By Alex McGillivray

Collecting friends from all walks of life is kind of my jam. I'm kind of a lover of everything. But when it comes to best friends, or forming a close knit group, I have trouble sealing the deal. Which leaves me here, confessing that I have difficulties keeping friends.

It would be easy to sit here and point the finger at the flaws of others, but to be honest, it is much easier to point the finger at myself since, realistically, I am the common denominator amongst my sea of exes - friend exes that is.

Which leaves me begging the question: is there something fundamentally wrong with me, or like a favourite pair of jeans, have I just not found the right fit?

When it seemed like every girl and woman on the planet was obsessed with Sex and the City for its portrayal of an avant garde lifestyle, fashion, and of course New York City itself, I sat in front of the TV green with envy over the friendship between those women: a group of women that somehow had these fabulous lives, managed to live them effortlessly, all while maintaining their strong bond with one another despite having the occasional dispute. That connection above all else was something that seemed more like a myth to me than a reality, and here I am, still bewildered that such a thing exists.

I'm the kind of person that is an open book. What you see is what you get. Honest to a fault and fully accepting of my imperfections, I see them as personality enhancing quirks - all things that I think are some of my best qualities, yet all things that my ex-friends have highlighted as faults. Too giving, too quick to trust, too nerdy, too angry, not enough in common, and my favourite, our opinions are too different are just a few of the reasons I have been given during the elusive, yet heartbreaking friend breakup.

However, the most heartbreaking part of all, is that all of these experiences have promoted the engineering of a protective armour. I may appear to be the image of a warrior that is strong, cool, calm, and collected, but I am not impervious to emotion. I am not some impenetrable being that magically deflects it all. There are so many layers of emotion that are kept a secret because I have built a wall so protective, it could be the counterpart to The Wall from Game of Thrones; a wall that was built in an effort to shield my heart and soul from pain.

Learning to tear down that wall piece by piece is the journey I am now traveling. What may seem like an age old rule, but something I am still learning, is that friends who judge the qualities that make you undeniably you, aren't really friends at all. I am learning to answer my own question. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with me. I am a kind, giving, impetuous, adventurous, blunt, ambitious, honest person with dashes of other amazing qualities, but I'm also the person who hopelessly believes in that close knit connection. I'm the person that just hasn't found her tribe.

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Alex McGillivray

Alex works for charity by day, but is actually a writer, runner, swimmer, and lover of a little bit of everything. Inspired by her adventures in running, she's started coaching family, friends, and wanderers she meets along the way. She's quirky, nerdy, and a little bit sporty. She also digs shelling out smiles and good vibes, and believes the universe conspires to help the dreamer.