We broke up yesterday. Last night. After 3 years. We talked well into the morning and only when 5:00am rolled around did I find any solace in sleep. I had begun to believe that there was still hope for us, that we might find the hidden door to lead us out of this mess. But he had resigned himself to what is likely for the best, an imminent break up.
I cried, so hard my head hurt. Tears nothing more than the liquid manifestation of a deep seated bellowing pain. The fear and confusion turned way to abject sorrow. How is it possible to have a world where two people can love each other, strive to be together, and ultimately fail? My urge is to scream into the deafening wind that “YOU’RE NOT DOING ENOUGH.” But maybe there is truly nothing more to do. And beyond, perhaps it is best not to continue in a relationship when the fundamental reason you’re there is that you’re expecting your partner to become someone else.
My reaction to this break up is to cry. His is to not. The end result is me feeling out of control and alone. So alone. And sad.
I know it won’t always be like this. I know that in time the wounds will heal and I will be once again off on another journey. But for now I feel frozen in place awaiting the shifting of this glacial sadness so that the light can get in.