We are toxic. You’ve said it to me time and time again. I have been cut in half by those words on more occasions than I can count. We are toxic. We love each other, and we never stop hurting each other. What is it Albert Einstein said about insanity? The act of doing something over and over while expecting different results? We are insane. And we are toxic.
To put it more mildly, we could say we are crazy for each other. People use that term all the time when referencing someone they love. But we have gone beyond that. There is a point when crazy becomes insane, and we have reached it.
We love each other so much. We want to be friends. We want to be in the other’s life. We are curious about the other’s happiness. We want the other to succeed and live and hope and dream. But we can not be friends. We are toxic. We are dynamite and a live wire – an explosion is inevitable.
In a hazy, drunken, moment of clarity (weakness – because I love you), we confessed our desires and fears. I missed you. You loved me. We hated being apart. We hated not knowing. We needed each other. But you were angry. (You are still angry.) And I was terrified. (Because you do this to me over and over.) It’s a vicious cycle because you’re angry because I am terrified, and I’m terrified because you are angry. So here we were again, repeating the same things over and over but expecting different results. Insanity.
Next, we were friends. This wasn’t real friendship. This was fear of living without the other and convincing ourselves that we could do something impossible. This was talking about the “other people” in our lives so that we looked like we were moving forward. But we were standing still. We were repeating ourselves. We were perpetuating the madness.
We are toxic. Today, I know this. We can no longer be “we”. You and I love each other. You and I must let go of each other. Never mind the chemistry. Never mind the desires. Never mind the curiosities. Never mind the fear of the unknown. Never mind the true love I feel for you as a person who has occupied my heart for four years. You and I must go on – separately.
Because we are toxic.