When my plans for life dissolved around me, I learned to be content right where I was.
There’s a line in the classic musical “Hello Dolly” that really resonates with me.
“I have always been a woman who arranges things, like furniture and daffodils and lives.”
The inimitable Barbra Streisand playing Dolly Levi goes on to list all the different things she could arrange and services she renders. Passing her card out to every passerby on the street. This is me. I love the hustle. Love planning. When a friend needs a job or an apartment I’m the first to step in to help, “just leave everything to me.”
I plan trips, parties, events, podcasts that never get off the ground, and my life. I like having a plan for my life. Graduate school, buy a house, kids.
About two months ago all my planning ground to a screeching halt. My husband decided our marriage was over. In the end I agree with the decision, but the upheaval of all our plans was a blow to this type-A arranger of things.
In the weeks that followed I would tell people about the split and a slew of questions would follow:
“Will you stay in Reno?”
“Where will you live?”
“Are you still going to graduate school?”
“What was he thinking?”
“Are we still doing that big camping trip in Lassen this August?”
“How will you manage to have kids before your ovaries dry up?”
Ok, no one asked me that last one. But the answer to every one of those questions for a time was “I don’t know.”
Everything was in flux. Nothing was planned because there was no way to know what I was going to be feeling from one minute to the next.
And for a planner this was absolutely terrifying.
It’s been two months and things are falling into place, but the process has taught me how to stay present. I don’t know when I’m going to have kids, but I’m loving being with my goddaughter and holding her little hands as she toddles around a picnic blanket. I don’t know if I’ll stay in Reno, but I’m here now and I’m making great friends and getting to know this quirky biggest little city.
We did cancel the trip to Lassen; but I let my friends step up and plan numerous other camping trips and excursions. I‘m taking a break and letting things happen. I’m letting go of things I would’ve controlled before. I volunteer for less. I spent more time just being and less time planning to be at some point in the future.
I started casually dating; not looking for someone who checks all my boxes. Instead of sizing people up by what they might add to my life as a partner, I spent time with people I simply enjoy being around. The end. I get to like them just for exactly who they are — no plans, no agenda, maybe no tomorrow. Just right now.
It’s not easy letting go and staying present. It took months of therapy before the divorce to be emotionally stable enough to be proactive and take care of myself. I had to do the work — and it’s paying off.
It’s still very much a journey. Some days I’m full of hope and joy and other days I’m a puddle of tears on my bed — and that’s ok. In each moment I find ways to enjoy what I have, feel my feelings and take the next step forward.
In addition to therapy, here are a few more resources/practices for repairing your heart and leaning into mindfulness during a breakup.
Mend — breakup training modules. It’s been great hearing how what I’m feeling/going through is perfectly normal and getting hands-on suggestions for dealing with all the feels.
The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown — not directly related to breakup but as we work toward wholeheartedness in general it helps with all relationships, past, present and future. This is a 6.5 hour audio series, so perfect for your next super long car trip.
Meditation — full disclosure, I’ve never been able to get into meditation, but I hear it’s great for some people.
Journaling — I’ve always been a writer and getting my thoughts and feels down on paper has helped ground me and bring me into the present.