I forgive myself. It was difficult to stop ‘what if’-ing about what we could have been if I had just acted differently that one night in Amsterdam or if I had just thought more carefully about my words the night we fought on the street. If I had just given you more space on the weekends or if I had just tried harder to accept friends of yours that I didn’t like. I know I said I was sorry, but I’ve realized now that I didn’t need to be sorry about anything. It was an empty, desperate apology to try to bring our relationship back to life.
I accept what happened. I suffered for months because I kept telling myself that we met before we should have. I told myself, ‘It was just bad timing.’ I thought everything would have been perfect had I met you a year, two years or five years from now.
The truth, though, is that it isn’t tragic. It wasn’t bad timing. It was because of our relationship that we saw these things about ourselves and now have the opportunity to grow. I do believe we brought out the best in each other. But we also brought out the worst in each other — the insecurities, the issues and the baggage. And it wasn’t just my baggage, even though at the time it felt like it was.
Now, I’ve been forced to reflect on where I need to grow. It has been painful, but I see it as a gift and I’m taking this time to learn about myself. And it’s the right thing for me. I see that now.
I’ve let go. To me, letting go means that I’m letting go of wanting the relationship we had. As much as I wished it would just go back to the way it was, I finally had to be honest with myself: ‘the way it was’ isn’t exactly what I want. ‘The way it was,’ although incredible most of the time, was punctuated more and more frequently with anxiety for both of us.
I want you to know that I’m very thankful for the many lessons that our relationship taught me. I will cherish the time we spent together.
I just wanted these thoughts to exist somewhere outside of my head so that I can make room for other thoughts.