After It All, I Am Courageous



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By Emily Smith



I was married. And now I'm not. He took the papers in last week, so I guess it's final.

It's hard to battle the feeling of liberation, yet also mourn the loss of a life I once had. I don't have much to show for myself in the way of possessions after it all, though I'm satisfied with where my feet are leading me.

Is it bad that I don't miss it? The fighting, the yelling, and feeling like I had to die over and over again to be who I really am and do what I really want? I guess that's how I know that it's right, despite how much it stings.

I never really wanted to get married, although I really liked the idea of it. Standing on the alter unsure, I did it anyways. That's how I've spent a good portion of my life, making choices because I though it was the "right" thing to do.

I'm finally breaking free from that pattern. People don't always agree with the choices that I make and I have to understand that there is absolutely no way of convincing anybody else of what my soul needs. I am on the lookout for myself.

While my heart aches because I truly did love him, I have to learn to let go. I always had the feeling that he wasn't meant to be mine. 

I have a rough idea of what I want in a man. But I have a clearer idea of what I want for myself. Honestly, no other person will ever be able to fulfill that. 

Right now is precious. It's my time. 

It's a time to recover, to explore, to be fascinated and in wonder. It's my time to dream, to laugh, to have honest conversations and to be totally and completely okay with who I am; incredible strengths and beautiful flaws. 

I'm learning the most extraordinary things about myself. I'm learning that I'm brave. There's a courage that lies within me that only this experience could possibly uncover. 

Courage isn't easy. It's understanding both success and failure and continuing to charge through, knowing the possibility of all outcomes.

I finally feel courageous. I finally feel restored.

Biking alone through the small surf town of Haleiwa today, I laughed out loud. The beauty of the moment overtook me and I was beaming from ear to ear. The sunshine, the ocean, coffee shops and surf boards - they were peaceful perfection.

I'm here because I knew I wanted this. I knew I needed it. I knew it was good for my soul. 

Sometimes I forget that I actually know where I want to go and I have absolutely everything I need to get there.

I am courageous. 

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Emily Smith

Emily works in digital engagement at lululemon athletica in Vancouver. She has always had a wanderer's soul and a passion for putting words to paper and song. She can often be found exploring in the mountains, or camping under the stars at the ocean.

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