Ask Stef: I'm Finally Single but Now No One Else Is

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By Stefanie Marshall


Dear Stef,

I recently went through a breakup from a relationship I was in for 4 years and am currently coping with the transition of not having a significant other. Although I do get sad every now and then about that relationship being over, I’m actually very excited to experience life on my own. There have always been things on my list of things that I wanted to do such as going on crazy, friend Vegas trips that I couldn’t do while in a relationship. 

Well, now that I’m single, it just so happens to be that all of my friends are in relationships. And I mean ALL of them. And they all spend their time doing very couple-y things. I’m here left with nothing to do...all alone. Or forced to tagged along as a third wheel, which is not ideal for my current state.  I just want to have fun again.

Vegas Anyone?

--

Dear Vegas Anyone?

Where do you live? I love adventures (and lists)! Let’s hang out!

I digress. I’m trying to think of where to begin. First, I want to say KUDOS! You had the courage to do what a lot of people find most difficult when a relationship has expired: move on. So even though this next part isn’t proving to be easy, you’re definitely through the worst part.

So, onto the fun. Like I said, I love lists. And it seems like you have one. My advice is to turn it into something tangible. Buy a dry erase board, and write out what you want to do. Create a vision board, and collage it. Or write out each adventure on a piece of paper, fold it up, and put it inside a mason jar so you can pull one out every time you decide to go on one. (I could go on and on, but Pinterest is a literal bottomless pit for “bucket list” ideas.) Once you have your list, start ticking these things off! Give yourself a goal. When I was 23, I made the first big change in my life - after a break up, of course - and I realized how important it was to have small goals. I made a 30 Before 30 bucket list, and I somehow ticked off all of them except one by the time my birthday rolled around.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO ADVENTURE ALONE. Obviously you can’t have a “girls Vegas weekend” with just you, but I’m sure there are things on your list that would be absolutely liberating to do by yourself. In addition, I truly believe an important part of the healing process after a breakup is reacquainting yourself with...yourself. There is so much to learn about the kind of person you are and want to be by doing things alone. Revel in social activity and enjoy the company of others too. But don’t be scared to go it alone sometimes. And while I wouldn’t recommend Vegas, a solo vacation is something everyone should do at least once in their life.

I don’t want to sound harsh, but screw it: your friends also need to get it together. No matter their relationship status, they should be there for you right now. You just experienced a traumatic life change, and that’s what friends are for. They are supposed to get you through the hard stuff. We all get lost in our own problems/relationships/etc. sometimes, but perhaps you can give them a gentle reminder that you need them right now. For an afternoon or a weekend or whatever it might be. And if that nudge isn’t enough, find your tribe elsewhere. Maybe you need to reconnect with other friends who you used to spend more time with the last time you were single. You'll also find that as you begin to adventure alone, new people will come into your life. And they may be at a more similar life stage than your current friend group. 

You’re a firecracker. I can feel the fun exploding out of you from here. Have a blast, and don’t forget to tell me about your adventures.

Stef

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Stefanie Marshall

Stefanie is a writer and a hopeless romantic. Probably both because of the other. She likes her whiskey neat and her men bearded. Mostly, she's told she's the good kind of terrifying.

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