Comedian Alyssa Litman on Her Halloween Breakup


Alyssa Litman

It was all hallows eve and the trick or treaters were running amuck in my neighborhood. I spent the day at my internship dressed as Holly Golightly, eagerly awaiting my evening plans. My roommate and I were going on a double date, with some guys we had been seeing for several months, to a spooky hipster Halloween party in Silverlake. Open bar? DJ? Sold.

After work, I texted my date to hash out the details of our plan.

No response.

My roommate was asking me to meet up with her, so I decided to just cut to the chase and give him a call. He answered sounding very hesitant.

“Listen I’ve been thinking….” he started.

Shit. A guy telling you he’s been thinking is never a good thing. Guys hate thinking.

Panicking, I tried to deflect whatever he was about to say by being the really chill girl:

“Whatever it is, can we talk about it tomorrow? It’s Halloween, let’s just get drunk and have fun.” My self-esteem was just radiating through the phone.

“That’s the thing, Halloween just seems so official to me, and I’m not ready to be that official with you yet, in public in front of everyone.” Said the boy who had introduced me to his whole family over a home cooked meal the previous weekend

I felt the tears start to roll down my face as I sat in six-o clock traffic.

“Wait, so what are you trying to say then? You’re just done with this right now?” I asked.

“It’s just that I’m in a really weird place and we keep getting so close. When I’m with you it makes happy, but then I feel sick about it because I’m not ready” he explained.

Ouch. I cried until my Hepburn cat-eye looked more like Beetlejuice. Part of me knew he had been indecisive about this relationship, but I just felt so betrayed. I had never been dumped out of the blue before. My past relationships typically ended under somewhat mutual terms where neither person felt so blind-sided. It was a strange having someone who had opened up to you about their most private feelings and insecurities suddenly treat you like an acquaintance. The whole situation was just a low blow.

He was at least decent enough to listen to me sob on the phone for a while and pretend like we could still be friends. He even invited me over to drink whiskey and hand out Halloween candy so that I wouldn’t be alone for the evening. Yeah right, not in a million years buddy.

After we hung up, I sat in my car and cried until I ran out of face water. That’s when I realized little kids dressed in princess and ninja costumes were pointing at me in fear. I opened the car door and a couple little girls screamed at the sight of my puffy, snot covered face. Sorry kids, this is what a broken heart looks like.

Deal with it.

Thank goodness for my mother and my best friends or else I never would’ve pulled myself together and put on what was arguably my coolest Halloween costume ever: Darth Vader.

At the end of the day, whether you do the dumping or you’re surprised by the one you love in the worst way, breakups are really hard to accept and even harder to get over. Here are a couple tools that have kept me from waiting outside an ex’s house all night to get a glimpse of their new love interest/ beg them to take me back. Not that I would ever really do that…

Things You Need:

-Your Person
It could be your mother, father, best friend, or neighbor. Anyone who is willing to let you sleep next to them in their bed, drag your depressed ass around to do errands all day or inappropriately binge drink with you on a week night. Cherish this person they will be your rock through your healing process. Bonus points if they convince you not to text him.

-Lighthearted Netflix series to binge watch.
I chose New Girl which happens to start out with Zooey getting dumped. Some other suggestions include United States of Tara, Orange is the New Black, Girls, Weeds, 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, American Horror Story. Anything that involves an awesome female mostly doing things that do not involve finding prince charming.

-Mecca of junk food.
In the wise words of tumblr: love dies, pizza is forever.

-New Workout Class
If you feel like you’re gonna pull a Lorena Bobbitt on any guy that comes near you, then try taking a more female-centered class such as Pop Physique. Nothing makes someone regret dumping you more than revenge hotness. Plus endorphins make you happy, it’s science.

-New Hangout Spots
As difficult as it might be, don’t go to that bar he always went to, or that yoga class, or that grocery store. I know you secretly want to run into him but this will just undo all of your hard work and progress. Trust me, just stay away. Explore new spots and make them your own.

-New Perspective
I know this one is super cheesy and seems really unhelpful, but once you’ve had an appropriate amount of ugly cries it’s time to look at things a new way. Breakups leave you with nothing but new possibilities. Yes this can be scary at first when you have nothing but thoughts of your ex, but soon it’ll seem liberating. Whether that new thing is a hobby or a new beau, it’s probably better than the last guy.

Things you don’t need:

-Your Cellphone/ Laptop/ Social Media.
Leave your cell out of reach for at least the first week so you’re not tempted to call him. I swear, the time will go by much faster. It will minimize the amount of times you feel the urge to text him, and you’ll slowly realize you can be happy without his constant attention.

-A New Boyfriend Immediately
Yes, there are rebound hookups but most of the time they do more damage than good. Usually they just start the same cycle of dependency and hurt over again. Take time to be sad, and then heal, and then rediscover yourself. You’re fabulous, spend time with you.

-Alcohol When You’re Alone
Sometimes alcohol with your friends can allow you to let go of hurtful thoughts for an evening. A bottle of wine when you’re alone however will probably just end up with you drunk calling, texting, or stalking him and we all know you’re better than that so just stay sober while you’re alone.

Breaking up with someone is always difficult for both parties, but the best thing you can do is bow out gracefully. The best revenge is to act like you’re unaffected. Trust me, it drives them crazy.

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