I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all your tears, your pain, that agonizing pain that almost broke you. I’m sorry that they made you question your worth. No one should make you feel like that. I’m sorry for their compulsive need to put you down and control you. I’m sorry that they used you to feel good about themselves, spun you around in their manipulation, and you started to question yourself, like maybe somehow you were responsible for what happened.
I’m sorry for all those sleepless nights where you heartbrokenly asked, “Why?”
I’m sorry you never got the apology that you so undeniably deserve.
I know you’re looking for answers, for a reason why the person did what they did. I know you can’t understand it because you could never treat anyone like that, let alone the person that you love. “Maybe they didn’t love me,” you started to think. But you have to understand that when you’re dealing with a broken person, there is no logic. You also have to understand that when you’re dealing with a selfish person, their needs will always come first.
Why they did it is not important. Don’t even try to understand why they did what they did. You can spend years analyzing and still never know. They probably don’t even know themselves why they did it.
And suppose that they did say everything that you want to hear, would that really change anything? Would that change what they did, the person that they are, and likely will always be?
The real closure is knowing that what’s important is the right now. The new. Trying to fight the old is a battle you will never win because you’re wasting all your energy that can be used to build the new, to innovate the life you actually want to live. The energy it’s taking to hang on to the past is holding you back from living your life fully.
No, you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve any of it. But the closure that you need lies in the truth, the truth about what you do deserve. You deserve someone who thinks about you, about your needs, and not just on the days when it’s good for them or when you’re convenient. You deserve someone who shows you that they care, someone who wants to be there through everything. Someone who knows that even though you’re so strong and can make it on your own, they want to fight your battles with you, because you are a part of them and they wouldn’t want it any other way.
Don’t ever spend time thinking about a person who doesn’t think about you. Don’t ever search for answers and an apology from a person who’s too broken or narcissistic to give them to you in the first place. You don’t want a person like that and you don’t want that in your life. Don’t ever look back with regrets because everything happens for a reason and it’s made you, you.
I know you loved them. I know how much it hurts. I know that your connection isn’t easily forgotten. But I also know that there is a more extraordinary love out there, a love that will never break you, a love that you would never know if it didn’t end with the last one. But love has to start with you. It has to start with you realizing that no one should make you feel like you have to compete for their attention and earn their love. It has to start with you realizing that you deserve so much better. And when they do decide to come back to you, and they will, you have to be strong enough to not get sucked back in.
There will be someone who will give you everything that you deserve, and you will be finally, finally free to receive that.