Have you ever wondered what questions to ask when it comes to choosing a partner?
While there’s no simple answer, this video by School of Life breaks down what it takes to make us happy and what questions to ask when searching for a great partner.
As individuals, many of us tend to have a ‘type’, which means we’re more attracted to certain people and personality traits over others. When it comes to comparing arranged marriages and choosing a partner freely, many couples who lead with their heart still aren’t happy. So why is that?
Psychotherapy suggests that we subconsciously fall for people who care for us in familiar ways. Adult love is largely based on our childhood. So even though we seek happiness in love, we’re actually looking for familiar signs we knew so well in our childhood.
This is why we sometimes fall for the wrong people. The type of love and care we crave in adult relationships can reflect more destructive dynamics such as feeling deprived of love and attention in some way, or not feeling safe and secure enough to express our needs.
And this is also why we can be put off by someone who isn’t ‘so wrong’, but in reality, isn’t ‘so right’ for us. They may seem too mature or emotionally available. Too ‘together’ compared to what we’re familiar with.
We need to ask questions like:
What attracts us?
What qualities do the people who loved us in our childhood have?
Are our initial romantic impulses truly aligned with the things that make us happy?
By acknowledging our feelings, we can begin to unveil what underlying assumptions we have built up since childhood, and what love feels like for us. You may discover that that way you were taught how to love as a child is not the way you want to love and be loved as an adult.
When it comes to choosing the right partner, it’s important to ask these questions. If asking all these questions seems overwhelming, just take some time to reflect on how you were taught to love as a child and how it relates to the type of love you now want and deserve.