Rachel Fleit On Why No Contact Is The Only Way For Her To Heal


Team Mend

Rachel Fleit is Brooklyn-based writer and creative director of Killer Films Media. She is also a proud advocate for women with Alopecia and has been featured in Vogue, WSJ, and The New York Times.

We asked Rachel some questions about heartbreak and she shared how ending contact with her exes helped her stay #onthemend.

If you think back to the first time you were heartbroken, what advice would you give to that younger version of yourself?

“The universe’s rejection is the universe’s protection. There will be someone else, there is always someone else… There is no scarcity of narcissistic bearded dudes who play in a band and went to liberal arts colleges in the abundant world. Pain is the touchstone for spiritual growth. When you feel the fireworks and it’s “on like King Kong” immediately, it’s not a good sign. Run the other way— a slow burn is the thing you want, not this. Also, he’s a douchebag and he said mean things to you and you deserve much much better and one day after many more of these heartbreaks, you will finally know what you are worth and the kind of love you deserve.”

What has heartbreak taught you about yourself?

“I am resilient and tender, all at once.”

What are your rituals during a breakup? What things/practices/people helped you mend?

“I believe in no contact. I have tried the other vague kind of way in which dramatic emails are exchanged weeks later and you meet for coffee and end up sleeping together only to realize the next morning that nothing has changed and it just prolongs the agony. I unfollow on social media, I do not attend events in which I may possibly see this person, I do not respond to any texts, emails or other forms of communication and it works. There is no other way for me.”

Thinking back to breakups you’ve had, did you have any breakup vices (checking your ex’s Insta, etc) and how do you conquer them?

“I really stood by this no contact thing as per the above question and that included no “information seeking” which means no research report on the whereabouts of said ex via conclusion one makes via social media stalking. That is a waste of your glorious time that should be spent getting to know yourself better and taking care of your new pain with rigorous self care.”

What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned about love so far in your life?

“Timing, my dear, is everything.”

Do you think exes can be friends? Do you stay friends with your exes on social media?

“I cannot be friends with most of my exes. I have tried and it’s just dishonest and inauthentic and deeply triggering. I am sort of friends with one of them but not super close. The jury is out on another right now, I don’t think we can be friends, I don’t think we will ever be friends because we were never really friends and there is a deep love there that I have (almost) accepted is impossible and yet exists (for me). That feels like a complicated and tiresome and painful friendship to be honest.”

What keeps your heart open, despite the heartbreaks you’ve had in your life?

“I just believe there is a plan for my romantic life. I don’t believe the universe is conditional, i.e. It will take care of me in certain parts of my life but not others. I believe deeply I am supposed to be partnered with someone in this life. I have a lot of love in my heart. I give up almost every day but then I continue to “keep the door ajar” as Nana Claire used to say. Also I truly believe what’s meant to be will be. It’s out of my hands, that’s for sure.”

What is your favorite song about heartbreak?

What is your favorite movie about heartbreak?

"Reality Bites. But they get back together in the end ...does it count? I live and die for that scene between Troy (Ethan Hawks) and Lelaina (Winona Ryder) when he shows up at the end.... "

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