I Don't Want to Feel Pain



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By A Mender



A while back, I had my first breakup.

I went above and beyond to make her happy. I thought that I had the purest, most trustworthy person in the world. Our relationship even reached a level to where I had started planing an incredible, surprise proposal party, where I would ask her to be my life partner. Suddenly and out of the blue, without any explanation, she told me that she did not want our relationship to move forward. She made it simple, using simple words. It’s a strange feeling to lose someone when you did all you could for that person. Strange. And it was not easy to go through.

I had been planning a marriage proposal and she was planning to break up. The night she ended things, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was confused, my chest was full of negative energy and it continued to get even worse the more I tried to decipher the situation.

The days after the breakup, answers started appearing and I realized that she really never had been ready to commit, and I, somehow, had been blind to that.

Even after coming to terms that our relationship would not flourish, I was still left feeling a mix of love and anger. It’s like making lemonade and then adding sugar and salt; A taste you don’t want to try. I didn’t feel ready to talk to anyone so I just went on a run. I ran alone, the salty fragrant winds hit my face gently. While running, I noticed the negative energy being removed from my heart and slowly my mind, too, was getting cleaner.

I sweat like I never sweat before and stopped when I felt tired. I sat and told myself 'Don’t think about your broken heart right now. Just forget about it for a few minutes.' I went back home and had a nice deep sleep.

My heart started to heal after every run. But even after that progress, I was still checking her Facebook and other social media accounts. 'Why do I still care? Does she still have a place in my heart?'

I wrote down how I felt and tried to understand why. I tried to figure out what love is. After hours of writing, I reached a point where I understood that love can’t have a standard or static definition, but that it involves very complicated feelings and takes the shape of one's personality.

Love can be changed if you actually want to change it. I ended by asking myself in a loud voice, 'Do you want to feel this pain and do you want to stay loving this person?' I replied in an even louder voice, 'No. I don’t want to feel pain. I just want to move on and let her move on with no one to blame.'

That was the last question I asked myself and I was left feeling a sense of relief upon answering it.

Still, an empty space took shape in my heart and I was lonely. There were times I wanted to call her so that she could fill in that space, but I knew it was not healthy for the both of us. Instead, I replaced the space with social activities in order to avoid being alone. I went to the gym with friends. I even surprised myself when I started getting interested in others.

When looking back at my experience, I discovered the three steps which helped me mend:

1. Remove all negative energy by doing some type of physical activity, preferrably in an open area and outdoors.

2. Understand your actual feelings and truthfully examine the relationship you were in. Then ask yourself, out loud, what you really want in a relationship and in love.

3. Replace any feelings of emptiness by doing more social activities that your enjoy.

One day the right person will come into your life.

writer photo

A Mender

An anonymous Mender sharing their story. If you'd like to share your story anonymously, send it to: hello@letsmend.com.