How Long Will You Hurt After A Breakup?


Chanelle Henry

So you broke up. Months ago. Yet, because you keep trying to make it right, it scrapes the bandaid off. You can’t just talk about the present; it always goes back to the past and what went wrong.

“But it was a year ago.”

But it doesn’t matter, even when you want to move on, even when you've been reassured and you understand that you’ve messed it up in whatever capacity. Or maybe you haven’t and it was just bad communication from day one. You will never be on the same plane because you both refuse to seek outside help, so it’s an endless cycle of blame, who owes who, and how you’ve ruined their life.

Then a tsunami hits, or you learn that a close relative died of cancer and life is too short to worry about trivial shit. Or you look back over life and realize how many opportunities were wasted while you were arguing about the things you could change.

This breakup will go on for as long as you want it to, and the only way to truly heal is to cut the rope of abuse (all abuse does not look alike, but if you feel worse after speaking to a person that has given you destructive criticism and told you how horrible of a person you are, were, and always will be – that’s abuse).

You already know the answer. But you allow someone or a flock of people with broken measurement sticks of their own to define who you should be. This is the danger.

“At your worst point, the quickest way to move through it is to be a contribution as opposed to focusing on your problems. If you focus on your problems and keep giving them attention, they’re going to grow. If you ignore them and do something else — I don’t mean act like they’re not here — but do something meaningful, it helps you work through it." -Iyanla Vanzant

The point here is to first know who you are. I mean really know you are, that way anything that anyone says is their opinion of you. You won’t be able to be swayed by their short-sighted perception of you. Second, be consistent with doing things that excite you.

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman

Lastly, be patient, breathe, and realize that two souls that once were joined have now been separated for whatever reason. It does not define how the rest of your life will be. Be okay with your tears, with the heart pangs, with the reminiscing of the past, but don’t miss the future that awaits you without judgment, expectations, and efforts aimed at keeping you stagnant.

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