The 6 Steps I Took To Make It Through Soul Shattering Pain


By Oliver Manalese

Feel through the soul shattering pain. Sit in the mess and hurt of it all.

It took me a long time to finally connect with myself emotionally.

When I was finally open, I became an invitation to love once again. And after falling hard for someone, very quickly I was left in pieces on the floor, yet again.

The only wisdom I have gathered thus far has been to be with myself. To commit to being single and cultivating a newfound relationship with myself. To rediscover who I was emotionally, compassionately and gently.

This takes a ton of time and energy. Because with heartache and heartbreak, there are so much baggage and unworked emotions. I couldn’t bear the thought of carrying it all into the next relationship I entered.

Here are some insights that may be powerful for you to consider:

1) Feel it all.

It’s so easy to just distract. Using others to avoid the self. But the richness of life is found in the depths of our emotions.

Sadness, pain, all of it, is part of the experience. Dulling it with sex, drugs, alcohol or television dulls the message that our emotions tell us.

Sit in the shit and really understand what these sensations are in your body. Uncover what they mean, what the message is, and what the learning is.

2) Fill the space.

This might seem contradictory to above, but yes, go ahead and have moments where you are completely distracted. The healthiest ways would be the activities that are physical and bring you into the present moment: yoga, sports, walking, hiking, nature, water. Any of the things that get your mind and soul to take a break. Also, music, movies, books and games.

Sometimes it helps to realize that though you’re heartbroken, the sadness and pain is NOT a constant in your day and life.

We literally have to DO sadness with our physiology, self talk, mental focus and so on. And when we’re doing things that take us back to the moment, we find that we can still shift our state and experience joy, laughter and warmth.

3) Date yourself. Yes, you!

Go ahead and take yourself somewhere nice. Be good to yourself every single week. Maybe bring a journal with you. Get into the thoughts in your head. Find things that you enjoy doing regardless of what others think.

Discover the freedom of being, doing and having exactly what you want specifically because you want it.

Can you fall in love with yourself? Can you feel complete and whole on your own?

4) Ask for support.

Be with people who love and support you. People who are really good listeners. People who will support you in any and all of the above without judging.

People who know when to give you space and know when to help get your mind off it.

5) Invest in yourself.

Put time and energy into yourself. Explore passions you’ve left behind. Try things that you’ve always made excuses to keep shelved. Maybe learn a new language, art, skill. Educate yourself.

As you become an even better version of yourself for yourself, the bonus is you become a much more interesting friend and future mate.

6) Learn how to love yourself.

Ultimately, all of the above is about self acceptance, self love and self worth. When you are powerful, passionate and purposeful independently, you realize you don’t need anybody to feel complete.

And coming from a place of independent happiness, satisfaction and meaning is like transporting to another planet. You step into a world filled with so much opportunity and possibility.

When you love yourself and you meet ‘the one’ or the ‘next one,’ you are more likely to attract someone similar to you: someone who is happy in their own skin and self loving.

And I believe when two people who have really done their work come together, magic happens in real life. Conversations are illuminating. The connection is profound. And the partnership is incredible!

I personally took these 6 steps and have been in the most inspiring relationships for almost two years now. Our connection is beyond anything I’ve experienced.

The level of honesty is uncomfortable at times but so respectful and it challenges us to grow to new levels. We honour and support each other's visions and are aligned in our values.

Now go! Fall in love with yourself…

’Cause there’s so damn much to love about you!

writer photo

Oliver Manalese

Oliver Manalese is a breakthrough coach who works with leaders to access their power and possibility. His clients are empowered to share their gifts, unique stories, and live authentic lives. Oliver shares breakthrough insights through his online videos, writing, and speaking.

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