What It Feels Like When Someone Never Fully Chooses You


Anna Bashedly

I spent too long getting hurt by you, a complicated man who stayed with me but never fully chose me.

You kept me in limbo. One day it was all love; the kissing, the staying up all night talking, my favorite breakfast in bed; the trips, and gifts, the being there, the words that made all my senses come to life. And most significantly, you made me feel like my heart was safe. But before long, you showed your other side. My blissful reverie was quickly shattered as you became distant and unsure.

As you made me feel safe enough to lower my shield; my heart was fully exposed to your darkness. The lies stung that much more. The broken promises left scars that much deeper. Your harsh words felt like poison. Actually, you did poison me. When you decided you needed space, you wouldn’t think twice about it. You wouldn’t hesitate to not reply, turn off your phone, leave me hanging. You would abandon me without a thought. You didn’t care about how many tears I cried.

You drove me down the darkest of paths as I would stay up all night wondering what you were feeling, what you were doing, and if there was someone you liked more.

You left me knowing true heartache and pain that ran through my entire body, to my heart, up to my head, where traces of it leaked out through my eyes. I was forced to taste my pain over and over again.

And when you decided you needed me again, because I was the only person who understood you, you wouldn’t think twice about showing me your “good” side. You wouldn’t stop calling and writing. You spoke sweet words of reassurance knowing it would make my heart melt. “I need you,” you said, “I can’t live without you.” And so you pulled me back in.

You knew I loved your wrongness, all those parts of you that you hate. I wiped your tears away as you spoke about your dad, I kissed your edges, I loved all your roughness. You only showed those parts of yourself to me because you knew I loved all of you. I always tried to make you a better man. And for a while, I did. But your other side always seemed to win.

And so you used my heart and my love. And I took your abuse for far too long.

But rest assured that the last time you hurt me was the final time. When I told you goodbye, just know that I meant it.

Yeah, don’t think I don’t know about those girls you contacted. I felt when you would wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love you better. You’re going to say it didn’t mean anything – yeah, I know that already, too.

Then you’re going to say that you did it for validation; it was your ego, or because you’re broken, or scared, or whatever twisted excuse you have to justify it.

But the bottom line is, I don’t care what the reason was. I’m done hearing your excuses. And yeah, maybe you are broken. Maybe you are scared. But guess what, even when you broke me I never betrayed you. We’re all scared in some way. But when you love someone, you don’t do things that will hurt them, period.

I know you’re full of regret. I know you’ll be all, “but baby I love you so much, I can’t live without you.” Maybe you should have thought about that, about me, the girl who you claim to love when you were going behind my back, breaking promises, lying, shutting me out.

You’re going to say that our connection is once in a lifetime. You’re going to say that you know in your heart you will never give all of you like that to anyone else. I know that already. But baby your talk is so cheap. Your promises mean nothing to me and neither do your intentions. It’s always the same old tune with you. I take you back, you’re amazing for a while, then you hurt me all over again.

I know in the end you are the one who will suffer the most, but I can’t pick up the pieces anymore. I gave you too many chances to count. And now, even though I loved you with every fiber of my being, even though it breaks my heart, I need to say goodbye.

I can’t believe it took me so long to realize this but, you simply don’t deserve me.

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