Why Did My Ex Reach Out To Me If They Broke Up With Me?

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By Laura Yates


An ex suddenly reaching out after they broke up with you can be very confusing. It creates so much confusion because your ex’s actions are conflicting. They’ve broken up with you yet now they are contacting you? What’s the deal with that?! Especially when you’ve probably worked so hard on moving forwards and limiting that contact from your side. But the reason can actually be quite simple.

Even though your ex broke up with you, the reaching out is an indication there’s a part of them that misses you - even if they don’t say that in their message or call. What it doesn’t necessarily mean, is that they want to get back together.

When you do the breaking up with someone, it doesn’t always mean that you’re able to move on any quicker or miss that person any less. The same things can trigger you - a random reminder of the relationship, being alone and feeling uncomfortable with that because it’s unfamiliar, one too many drinks, a movie or a song. Your ex will have felt that connection too, and not having you around will be something they miss. So reaching out (although it probably isn’t the best thing for you and in many ways, can be quite selfish on their part) is a way of fulfilling that need for a bit of contact. What they say when they reach out might be as simple as a ‘hey, how are you?’ or they might have a more practical reason that in your eyes, is actually quite unnecessary. The most likely answer is that they’re looking for an excuse just to have some sort of contact with you.

Again, it’s really important to not get your hopes up - especially if you are still not over your ex. The breakup still happened, regardless of who did the breaking up. Something wasn’t quite right. It doesn’t mean your ex is having second thoughts unless they clearly say that to you. It’s really just more of a sign that they’re experiencing an emotional wobble around the whole breakup in a moment of vulnerability.

What is also important to remember, is to keep your boundaries intact. You get to decide whether you respond to your ex or not. If you’ve worked hard on creating that detachment, it’s completely your right to maintain that and do what is best for your own healing. No reply gives as much information as a reply so don’t feel obliged. Your ex will understand and will know that contacting you - at least right now, isn’t a good idea.

If you do respond, you just need to think about whether that will help or hinder your own emotional healing too. Opening up that channel of communication can allow old emotional wounds that you’ve worked hard to heal resurface. So you need to be sure what you want the gain out of that interaction, knowing that your ex could still respond in a way that you’re unable to predict.

Don’t be afraid to take some time if you need to. Now is the time to put your heart and self-healing first.

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Laura Yates

Laura Yates is a London-based breakup coach and writer who helps clients stay #onthemend post-heartbreak. Laura aims to help clients get over their exes, rebuild their self-esteem and ultimately get back into the dating game!

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